Hey, you rapidly decaying protoplasmic sacks of calcium and shit, my name is Dr Mona Moore. Obviously, that is not my real name, but I am a real doctor. Don’t feel bad for me, though, because it means I will always have a job, an apartment ten times bigger than yours and the right to tell you what to do simply because I will always know better. Enjoy my column!
BOLLOCKS TO THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH - PLEASE DON’T STUFF YOUR COCK
In my experience, people will get weird shit lodged in every available orifice—and the urethra is no exception. Now, I don’t have a penis, so perhaps it’s hard for me to understand, but the only time anyone has put anything up my urethra was during an STD screening and I was moments away from kicking the doctor in the head. Painful, humiliating, and categorically not erotic. But apparently this is exactly what gets some people off, though they normally regret it after.
I had a 45-year-old man come in recently with a big, grizzly beard and a pained expression complaining of urinary retention—basically he couldn’t piss and it was causing him terrible pain. So I popped a catheter in (allowing free flowing pee) and sent him for an X-ray. When it came back, I could see big lumps in his bladder and girded myself up for late-stage bladder cancer. Fearing the worst, I told him he would need to be sent to surgery, where the surgeon would put a camera up his urethra to see what was going on—and still he did not mention a thing.
As the camera slid into his bladder, the whole surgery stopped in disbelief. Those were not cancerous lumps writhing around in horrible humping masses, but maggots. There was a rampant maggot orgy in his bladder.
It turns out he enjoys fishing on Sundays, and while waiting for a tug on his line would pop a maggot up his jap’s eye because he liked the way they wriggled up his tube. I’ve never understood fishing (or bestiality), but I’m pretty sure baiting your bladder isn’t the way to bring in the catch.
